goals for march:
clear the stomach of gastritis for good.
run 6mph for 30 minutes straight
save save save money for audio equipment and shows.
950 is the goal. let’s get it.
what I do, not who I know.
I’ve always wanted to be recognized for the things that I do. Especially in an industry where success is based a lot on who you know, what we do is less emphasized. The complexity and beauty of sound, the thought in the lyric is overshadowed by this need to be KNOWN. What I’ve always believed is that if you were so spectacular at your craft, you don’t need the co-signers, you don’t need recognition from the top dogs in your industry, you just need an idea. Mostly an idea of who you are. You are what everyone else is not and the goal for anyone should be to make that absolutely clear.
What do you want to do? Such an elementary but deep question depending on your perception. But it underlies your reason for living. Why you were put on this Earth is a mystery, even to you, until you find and create your own purpose, again something I strongly believe.
I love music and would ultimately like to create my own genre of music. I’m not sure what exactly it’s going to sound like, but I know that this is what I want to do and how I want to change the world (no matter how minuscule the change). However, in another part of the globe, there are men and women mastering the art of olympic curling or freestyle ice skating. These talents, which I perceive as non-applicable to my life, has gained lifetime significance in the eyes of an olympian curler or ice skater. So who is to say that the music that I will create is more significant than an ice skater’s invention of a new skating maneuver. To a person who idolizes the sport of skating, my music may not be as applicable or significant. To a person who idolizes music and its integrity, ice skating may not be a topic that one would dedicate his or her life to. So who says which is more significant when a new idea in a track or a newly invented skating maneuver may have equally contributed to the lives of those who are beginning to find themselves through their particular crafts.
In the end, you just have to remember what you promised to the world. What you promised you would do and what you promised you would accomplish for the world. Seeing the world this way has allowed me to establish a more comprehensive understanding of anyone’s passion for their craft. Anyone who is skilled and radiates passion with what they do should be recognized as a person who has accomplished their dreams. I feel there is a lot to learn when it comes to developing your craft and ridding yourself of the fear of criticism and vulnerability at any point of the game (whether you’re a Kendrick Lamar, or a new emcee like me that performs local shows). One day I’d like to be known for what I have done and who I am in the game for it, not just a sucker known because of what others have done and my association with them.
Your life doesn’t need any dull moments, but your life does not owe you fun. Go make your own.
i’m just tired of this unspoken hostility.
i’ve been afraid and embarassed to really tell people where my life has been and what i’ve been doing these past couple months. fear is such a weak emotion.. but i’m still growing. i’ve been afraid of inconveniencing anyone else with my problems. for those who have been around me. you’ve known that i’ve had my little battles with gastritis. recently, these small battles have began to wage war and i was taken in to the emergency room this past end of January. for those who aren’t familiar with gastritis. a “gastritis battle” for me is random nausea and a lot of bloating. a “gastritis war ” for me is chronic nausea, fever, vomiting and bloating due to the excessive swelling in my stomach.
in order to cure these symptoms i was told to heavily regulate my diet. this means no fried foods, no soda, no alcohol and select foods that irritate only my stomach (everyone’s gastritis is unique for everyone). this in itself, i feel is limiting me from really spending time with people that i really admire and love. i’m really beginning to miss my old body. the one i used to believe was almost immortal has now been living with chronic and random nausea for about 6 months now. i can still confidently say that my life is better than most people (thankfully). i have access to medical care and i was able to seek help. but it does really suck to have to refuse drinks, refuse meals, and refuse basically anything that’s fried (i love that shit!) but, looking at the bigger picture. i have an awesome life in comparison to others who are constantly abused verbally, physically, with no support of their own character, who have no roof on top of their heads to really call home, the list goes on and on..
the point i’m really trying to express is that. i’m tired of this unspoken hostility. a lot of people try and tell me that i’m the one who “disappeared” when really, life happened. i’ve been going to school, working a part-time job, and writing new tracks in between those times. all the while i’ve been having stomach procedures, check-ups and weekly chiropractor visits. the rest of the time that i do have is spent with my girlfriend who has really been my rock, holding me down and really giving me new perspectives of the world. it’s like experiencing an image with various lenses, the change is in the small, beautiful details. but every image is beautiful no matter how distorted because it’s a new image. it’s a new experience, something new to add to your visual memory. something to shape your opinion, either negative or positive, the important part is knowing. experiences with my girfriend taught me that.
people are so adamant in telling you that you haven’t hit them up and shy away from fault that they never think of the vice-versa.
i have been guilty of this too. we all just have to really work on being more empathetic and stop thinking that this world is egocentric. the world doesn’t revolve around mine, yours or anyone’s experience. it’s a compilation of 7 billion experiences and counting. can you convert 1/7 billion into a decimal? that might open your eyes to how small the human really is and it’s shocking to see how big one human could seem just by the words that come out of the mouth.
an absence of anyone in anyone’s life should never be perceived as an act of malice and assume hatred.
the absence of anyone before being beautifully reunited should be perceived as an act of happiness because the absence of anyone in life means that they’re also invested in their own lives and are opting to take their own roads aside from yours to find new experiences. these are the kinds of people i want to enjoy my music. the kind of people who look for others’ success before their own and are in turn brought success not because it was their aim, but because it was a product of their work for others in whatever work that they do.
keep fighting. keep putting in that effort.
I’m still giving support to the people i feel deserve it and who have made pretty big impacts in my life.
stay grounded. always count your blessings. the life that you’ve had for 20 years could change in a matter of seconds. be prepared.
Sincerely and love always,
it’s sad that someone else would perceive a random act of kindness as just a desire to get something in return. i just say this because i used to believe that generally people would do things for me in the sole intent of getting back, but looking closer at the small things that someone does like hold open doors for random people and telling someone that they dropped their wallet without having any ties to them, often goes unseen and the spontaneity of that act goes unnoticed not only by the spectator but often times by the person who performs the act him or herself.
so to all those people who feel they don’t often get the recognition that they deserve, i’m doing my best to see it. make sure you never forget to recognize yourself good or bad. it’s the only way to get better despite everyone else’s blind eye.
i just wished we weren’t so into the amount of attention received as opposed to the quality of attention received.
i know i could say that a smile on my girlfriend’s face is more significant to me than a smile on the faces of any huge crowd.
i may sound foolish and ignorant since i am a hip hop artist and huge crowds are a public representation of a huge accomplishment for me. but to be blatantly honest, i could care less about the size of the crowd. it’s who is in the crowd that really makes it a show for me. the best fans are the ones who you could also consider your friends. that’s something i’m sure a lot of artists can really relate to, the feeling that you get after performing or showing people what your life has been about.
like all other human beings, i would be lying if i said that the recognition, the money, the drugs, the huge crowds of fans, and a stage as big as the staples center was not in my dreams. i dream about going from rags to riches every day. but it’s that journey for me that i’m lovin, not so much that image, every day is just a new step in my journey towards becoming the “me” that i’ve always idolized.